Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
