its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
