you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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