it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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