Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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