there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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