I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
