i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
