Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
