i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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