i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
