lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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