highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
