She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
