never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
