Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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