Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
