I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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