There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
