just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
