Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
