I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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