Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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