There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
