There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i will never coherently bang her
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
