Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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