fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
