i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
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you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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