take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
