Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
