mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
