when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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