So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
