Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
