I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night