Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
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I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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