i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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