I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
