Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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