birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
