last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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