So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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