Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
