god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
