JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
