dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
