Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
