I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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