i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
