Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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