I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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