lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
