Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
