so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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