tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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