dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
