I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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