Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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