I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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