I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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