Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
