I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
